The End of an Era

As of today, Thursday, August 11, the Ben and Angie Fellows Family is no longer. The divorce is final. It is the end of an era.

It feels so surreal even typing that.

Most of you have known that this was coming but for those who didn't know, or for those who knew but don't know what happened...

This divorce is basically due to the problem of our difference in religious beliefs. For those of you that have known us- that definitely was not always the case. Ben and I met at BYU in a singles ward and were married in the Salt Lake Temple. We had the same ideals, dreams, morals, religious beliefs, parenting styles, etc. That has changed and is no longer the case. Through a long and difficult journey Ben has become a very different person than the Ben that I married. Ben is no longer LDS and is now a very different person than he once was. We no longer see eye to eye on some very important things including our religious beliefs, what to teach our children, and how to live our lives. The clincher came when we realized that we could no longer give what the other person needed in order to be happy. I needed Ben to be the man I married and Ben needed me to take the journey he had taken with him. I, as a minimum, needed to be able to be who I am, spiritually, as a mother, a woman, etc. and did not feel free to. I'm sure Ben felt he couldn't be true to who he is too. One of the most difficult things was to find a compromise on what to teach our boys. Ben was very frustrated at how he couldn't share who he had become (in terms of his beliefs) and why with the boys. I wanted to continue to teach them in the way that I (formerly we) had been teaching them and Ben wanted to be able to teach them his own beliefs. Seeing how vastly different our beliefs had become, it was very hard to find a compromise without teaching things to the boys that were in complete opposition to each other, and thus very confusing to them. There just didn't seem to be a compromise we could both live with. Love was simply not enough to conquer all of it. I never thought that could be the case.
Through tremendous pain that only seemed to increase as the last 4 years progressed, it became clear that our lives were no longer heading in the same direction.
It came to a head when we both realized that the compromises we were continually making due to Ben's new beliefs were not enough. The compromises were too big. They were preventing us both from being true to ourselves and being the kind of parents and people we needed to be.

I cannot speak for Ben but if any of you would like to know more, we could use all the love and support we can get. We would love and appreciate any and all contact.

So...What's happening now?

The boys, Danny almost 7 and Caleb almost 4, and I are staying in the same house that Ben and I have lived in for the last 4 years in Aurora, Colorado. Ben has moved to an apartment close by and sees the boys regularly a few times every week. Considering everything, the boys are doing quite well. It is my belief that this is due to the fact that we have done our best to reassure them of our love and that we are trying to keep the changes to a minimum (meaning Danny goes to the same school, the boys have their same friends, go to the same ward, etc.) It is a HUGE blessing that they are doing so well and are so resilient.
I have been going back to school taking prerequisites for nursing school for the past 8 months. I will be applying this fall and am hoping to be able to start nursing school in June 2012 at the University of Colorado, Denver. It is a great program and I am hoping to earn my 2nd bachelors, a BSN, in a 2 year program. I already have a degree in Early Childhood Education but through a lot of soul searching, research and prayer I feel that this is a good path for me for now to go to nursing school.
It has by far been the most painful and difficult experience I have ever gone through. I have, and continue to go through all the stages of grief with a vengeance. I never knew you could feel such pain and still survive. How have I been able to survive? By taking life day by day, sometimes hour by hour, and even minute by minute. It's been over 9 months since Ben moved out and it has gotten a little easier. But I have been able to keep going mainly due to the blessing of my 2 angel boys. Danny and Caleb bring such joy to my life each and every day. I absolutely adore them and feel so grateful to be their mom.
It is also due to the help of my incredible parents. They live less than 15 minutes away from me and have literally been life savers. They have been my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual support. They have held me up when I couldn't hold myself up. The have done so much including: countless meals, babysitting, supporting my kids, helping me mow my lawn, fix things in my house, clean my house, priesthood blessings, spent many nights on the phone listening to me cry, and the list goes on and on. I don't know what I would do without them. I am truly blessed to have such amazing parents. And of course there is the support from my siblings. I love each of them so much and look up to each and every one of them. I am so grateful for all the nights they spent simply talking with me and giving me their love and support.
I have also had the support and help from wonderful, dear friends that live both near and far. I have never before realized how life saving good friendships can be. Phone calls, cards, emails, chatting, texts, visits, nights out, etc have all helped give me the boost when I wondered how much more I could take. My ward, home and visiting teachers and church leaders have all been wonderful as well.
So THANK YOU to all of you. That seems so simple and not nearly enough to express my gratitude and appreciation for all you have done for me and my boys.

It is my hope that I will continue to heal, a little more each day. Find happiness again. Learn to trust again. And continue to have hope for a bright future both for me and for my boys.

Catch-Up: One busy December

First of all before playing catch-up I will give a little update. The latest and greatest with our family is that Ben has a new job. After years of hating his job, working tons of hours, living with tons of pressure, Ben decided to leave Ernst & Young. He has started a new job as the IT security and Compliance Officer at a start-up company called Recondo here in Denver. He has only been at the job for one week but so far, so good. He likes it and is even home in time for dinner. I can't remember the last time that happened. We love it!

The boys are doing great. Danny absolutely loves kindergarten and is reading and doing really well. Caleb is talking more and more and has the cutest and most funny little personality. He has a speech therapist that comes once a week and is doing great.

We are counting down the days for our vacation to Orlando. We have 14 days until we go to sunny and warm Florida. About every day Danny tells me how he wants to move to Florida because winter is just too long and is lasting forever. Winter does seem to be going on way too long. It always seems like that this time of year. None of us have ever been to Florida but we all can't wait to be in the sunshine, go to Disney World, Sea World, etc. After having a rough year for multiple reasons including Ben's job, we decided we needed some time away as a family. We can't wait!

Now for playing catch-up about December. After lots of craziness getting ready for the holidays, we drove over to Utah on Christmas Eve. Luckily we made it without any problems, especially since there had been a huge snow storm in Denver on the 23rd. We spend the next few days at Ben's parents' houses and unfortunately had to cut our vacation short due to Caleb catching the flu, winter storms making the roads terrible, and of course MAJOR pressure from Ben's job to come home and work. It was a fast trip and definitely a busy one but it was good to see family. Fortunately because we came home earlier than we had planned we were able to see my brother's family who was in town.

These pictures are definitely not in chronological order- if anything, I think they are in reverse chronological order. So if you're confused, I don't blame you.

Me and my boys after decorating the tree.

Caleb and his cousin Sarah. He just adored her.


This is Danny and my sister's boys in Utah. We only were able to stay with her for 1 night and then had to leave the next day because of all the junk I mentioned before- sickness, weather, work, etc. I definitely need to fly out and have some sister time since it was seriously cut short.

This is actually at our ward party. Had to get the Santa pictures.

Caleb's grin makes me laugh every time I see this picture. He gets this cheesy grin every time I get the camera out.

Ben and his dad in Utah.

Ben's dad, step-mom and the boys in Utah.

3 generations.

Ben's dad was so great to do this car race track set that they had given the boys for hours and hours.

Ben's sister, Mimi, and Danny.

Mimi and Caleb.

Caleb sporting his latest battle wound that he got from falling off of the sled while going down the hill with Danny.

Sledding in Hoytsville with Grandma Mona.

Awestruck at the awesome present from Grandma Mona and Papa Ross. (Ben's mom and step-dad).

Here's Ben and his siblings doing what they love- watching funny You-Tube videos. Caleb's grin is just too funny.

Modeling their new Lightning McQueen and Wall-E jackets from Grandma and Grandpa Fellows.

Christmas Morning.

Chilling with Papa Ross.

Relaxing after opening Christmas presents at my parents house. He got up here all by himself, grabbed the remote and started pointing it at the TV. What a funny kid.

This was taken at a work Christmas party at our friends' house. It's the only family picture we've taken in forever.

If you look close enough you will see that Caleb's ear is big and swollen and all crusty. A couple days before this we had been to the Urgent Care cause he had fallen and split his ear open. They used that fancy skin glue stuff and all was well. =)

Helping Ben put up the Christmas lights

Waiting to watch the Parade of Lights. We went to the Spaghetti Factory and the balloon man came around and made this nice snake for him. Caleb loved it and would not let go of it even though it kept hitting everyone we passed. He of course liked to hit everyone on purpose with it too. Eventually we had to "pretend" that we dropped it and it popped on accident. The boys sure loved the Parade of Lights though. It was super cold but still a lot of fun.

Happy Boy

Caleb is such a fun, happy and energetic little boy. Every time we go grocery shopping at Walmart he likes to say "Hi" to almost everyone in the store. Most of the time people stop, smile and say "Hi" back. One of his favorite things to say is "Happy today." He used to say it all day long but unfortunately has stopped saying it as much.

Looking Back

My adorable little froggie boys.

Danny 10/31/06

(right after we moved to Denver.)

Caleb 10/31/09

Halloween 2009

We had quite the busy Halloween. With parties at school, with family and at home, it ended up being pretty intense but very fun.
My boys, the monkey (Curious George) and the frog. Danny wanted to make sure we could see his banana.

They loved their costumes and loved every minute of the celebrations.

Caleb and I joined Danny at school for his kindergarten Halloween party.

Danny in his parade around the school.

On the actual day of Halloween we went down to Colorado Springs to go to my nephew's baptism. We stayed afterwards for a lunch and celebrated Halloween together. We went to a carnival and a trunk-or-treat at their church. It was a blast and we sure got a nice load of candy.

My handsome 3 boys and 1 princess (my niece). Maybe some day we'll have our own little girl. =)

He's still such a nerd and I love him dearly for it. =)

While we were down there we celebrated my mom's birthday.

Caleb admiring Ben's vampire teeth at the church carnival.

My brother, the jedi, and his boys just before the trunk-or-treat.

My baby boy turns 2!

So here I am playing catch-up once again. A couple of weeks ago my adorable little boy Caleb turned 2. He's officially not a baby anymore. He's such a fun and happy little guy. He is so enthusiastic and excited about everything. He makes us all laugh and is learning to talk more and more. He absolutely loves anything to do with cars and trains. We sure love this little man!

As usual, the birthday celebrations seemed to last multiple days. We had a mini family party with just us Fellows and then celebrated with my parents and my brother and his family. He loved every minute of the celebrations. He was very loudly expressing his enthusiasm about all of it! =)
Here he is with his cake! He even blew out his own candles!




In Fellows Family tradition I hung up signs for Caleb's birthday the night before. He was SOO excited when he woke up and went around finding every single one and excitedly talking about them. And to think I thought he wouldn't notice.

He got his favorite thing from his Grandma and Grandpa Fellows- lots and lots of cars!! Thank you!!!!

Here he is with one of his new favorite books from Grandma Mona! Thank you!!!!

Here he is with his cousins. He got a shopping cart from my parents which he loves to race around the house with. He also got some more trains and train tracks from us which seem to have caused more contention in our house. Danny seems to think he gets to play with all of Caleb's new toys ALL of the time. It was a fun birthday! And my little baby is no longer a baby!

My poor, dear, sweet dad

We were planning on celebrating Danny’s birthday on the 17th with my parents but it turned out that my dad had another medical emergency. Many of you know that my dad fell 26 feet off of his roof while he was trying to do a minor repair 3 months ago, on May 26. He was having intense and painful physical therapy and was making progress in his healing and doing quite well but he then noticed that he had been having some weakness on his left side with his left arm and his left leg had been dragging a bit when he walked. So after seeing a neurologist they decided to have an MRI. During the MRI they found a HUGE blood clot that had formed as a result of a slow bleed in his brain after his fall from the roof 3 months ago. They hadn't found it when he was originally in the hospital because it was such a slow bleed. So they immediately admitted him to the hospital and scheduled brain surgery for the following day. What an awful and scary day for all of us- especially my parents.

The next day the surgery went well, they removed the clot and the surgeon told us that the clot was truly HUGE. Since then his neurologist has told him that he was lucky that he was not in a coma and even alive. My brother has a doctorate in neuroscience and so asked for a copy of my dad’s MRI. When he saw it he said that he has studied similar MRIs of many people who have died or were severely disabled. My dad’s blood clot was at least four times the largest of any he had seen! His clot covered the entire right side of the brain. He said how it is absolutely astounding that my dad is alive and was able to function. It’s truly amazing that he only had minor symptoms as well- mainly the weakness on his left side. He is a walking miracle. We feel so blessed.

He is on a lot of medications and so is often nauseated and very tired. This is in addition to the constant shoulder pain from his dislocated and shattered shoulders. The doctors say he will be okay, it will just be a long recovery.

This is the side of the house where he fell off of the roof. It still freaks me out to even think about it.

This is my dad and my boys on Father's Day. He was still in slings but recovering

This is my dad's scar a week ago. They have since taken out the staples and his hair is growing back and it looks remarkably pretty good.

I love him so much and am SO glad that he is okay and is recovering. I am also so glad that we live so close and have been able to see him throughout all of this. Due to the help of wonderful friends I was able to go visit him in the hospital and be with my mom during the surgery. Thank you SO much Christy, Danielle and Tammy! My dear mom has also been so strong and amazing throughout all of this. I just feel so lucky to have such amazing parents. Miracles definitely do happen!