The End of an Era

As of today, Thursday, August 11, the Ben and Angie Fellows Family is no longer. The divorce is final. It is the end of an era.

It feels so surreal even typing that.

Most of you have known that this was coming but for those who didn't know, or for those who knew but don't know what happened...

This divorce is basically due to the problem of our difference in religious beliefs. For those of you that have known us- that definitely was not always the case. Ben and I met at BYU in a singles ward and were married in the Salt Lake Temple. We had the same ideals, dreams, morals, religious beliefs, parenting styles, etc. That has changed and is no longer the case. Through a long and difficult journey Ben has become a very different person than the Ben that I married. Ben is no longer LDS and is now a very different person than he once was. We no longer see eye to eye on some very important things including our religious beliefs, what to teach our children, and how to live our lives. The clincher came when we realized that we could no longer give what the other person needed in order to be happy. I needed Ben to be the man I married and Ben needed me to take the journey he had taken with him. I, as a minimum, needed to be able to be who I am, spiritually, as a mother, a woman, etc. and did not feel free to. I'm sure Ben felt he couldn't be true to who he is too. One of the most difficult things was to find a compromise on what to teach our boys. Ben was very frustrated at how he couldn't share who he had become (in terms of his beliefs) and why with the boys. I wanted to continue to teach them in the way that I (formerly we) had been teaching them and Ben wanted to be able to teach them his own beliefs. Seeing how vastly different our beliefs had become, it was very hard to find a compromise without teaching things to the boys that were in complete opposition to each other, and thus very confusing to them. There just didn't seem to be a compromise we could both live with. Love was simply not enough to conquer all of it. I never thought that could be the case.
Through tremendous pain that only seemed to increase as the last 4 years progressed, it became clear that our lives were no longer heading in the same direction.
It came to a head when we both realized that the compromises we were continually making due to Ben's new beliefs were not enough. The compromises were too big. They were preventing us both from being true to ourselves and being the kind of parents and people we needed to be.

I cannot speak for Ben but if any of you would like to know more, we could use all the love and support we can get. We would love and appreciate any and all contact.

So...What's happening now?

The boys, Danny almost 7 and Caleb almost 4, and I are staying in the same house that Ben and I have lived in for the last 4 years in Aurora, Colorado. Ben has moved to an apartment close by and sees the boys regularly a few times every week. Considering everything, the boys are doing quite well. It is my belief that this is due to the fact that we have done our best to reassure them of our love and that we are trying to keep the changes to a minimum (meaning Danny goes to the same school, the boys have their same friends, go to the same ward, etc.) It is a HUGE blessing that they are doing so well and are so resilient.
I have been going back to school taking prerequisites for nursing school for the past 8 months. I will be applying this fall and am hoping to be able to start nursing school in June 2012 at the University of Colorado, Denver. It is a great program and I am hoping to earn my 2nd bachelors, a BSN, in a 2 year program. I already have a degree in Early Childhood Education but through a lot of soul searching, research and prayer I feel that this is a good path for me for now to go to nursing school.
It has by far been the most painful and difficult experience I have ever gone through. I have, and continue to go through all the stages of grief with a vengeance. I never knew you could feel such pain and still survive. How have I been able to survive? By taking life day by day, sometimes hour by hour, and even minute by minute. It's been over 9 months since Ben moved out and it has gotten a little easier. But I have been able to keep going mainly due to the blessing of my 2 angel boys. Danny and Caleb bring such joy to my life each and every day. I absolutely adore them and feel so grateful to be their mom.
It is also due to the help of my incredible parents. They live less than 15 minutes away from me and have literally been life savers. They have been my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual support. They have held me up when I couldn't hold myself up. The have done so much including: countless meals, babysitting, supporting my kids, helping me mow my lawn, fix things in my house, clean my house, priesthood blessings, spent many nights on the phone listening to me cry, and the list goes on and on. I don't know what I would do without them. I am truly blessed to have such amazing parents. And of course there is the support from my siblings. I love each of them so much and look up to each and every one of them. I am so grateful for all the nights they spent simply talking with me and giving me their love and support.
I have also had the support and help from wonderful, dear friends that live both near and far. I have never before realized how life saving good friendships can be. Phone calls, cards, emails, chatting, texts, visits, nights out, etc have all helped give me the boost when I wondered how much more I could take. My ward, home and visiting teachers and church leaders have all been wonderful as well.
So THANK YOU to all of you. That seems so simple and not nearly enough to express my gratitude and appreciation for all you have done for me and my boys.

It is my hope that I will continue to heal, a little more each day. Find happiness again. Learn to trust again. And continue to have hope for a bright future both for me and for my boys.